Saturday Thoughts

t's a really good morning. After an exhausting Friday (when I dragged myself home after work, skipping out on going to the gym, forced myself to do half an hour of yoga while building a very comfortable fire to keep me warm, and having a nip of medicinal Jameson), I got a pretty good night's sleep.

At the gym first thing this morning. I like the Saturday morning work-out. At first I was alone, but the place filled up pretty quickly and I loved the buzz of people up doing something positive for themselves.

It all got my mind to wandering, and lately, more and more, my mind wanders to issues of weight and health. As we discussed in the seminar the other evening, there are so many books/theories on how to achieve lasting, harmonious, effortless weight reduction, all of them in one big contradictory heap, that it makes your stomach churn.

Run to the goodies 'cause there ain't nothin' workin' for no one. That's how it feels sometimes, for me at least. You work, and work, and work...I've maintained my weight for a couple of years now, within about 8 pounds of fluctuation. In other words, there have been times of indulgence that led to no more than eight extra temporary pounds. But there's another 20 pounds (maybe 25, but we'll see) that I really want to say a big hearty "Adios, muchacha! You've been a good friend, you've been whatever I needed you to be at the time, but now, it's time to go. I nurtured you for a long time, I kept you well fed, and parting is bittersweet but it's not sorrow, off with you know, be happy somewhere else! Don't come back now, y'hear?"

And I can get pretty hard on myself about that. I think: why haven't you done it? You must be a failure, you can't reach your goal. You're weak.

So yeah. That's a great thought process for goal-achieving.

I forget sometimes to celebrate where I am. I accomplished a lot, and I'm really proud of that. It's been a profound journey for me, in ways that I am just beginning to comprehend.

It's not about restrictions. It's about becoming free. That's what I want to say to myself. You're so much more free now, isn't that fabulous? Isn't that a reason to jump for joy? And isn't it joyful that you can actually jump, maybe even in public, without being too wobbly? Instead of looking Jabba the Hut, now perhaps you look like a small, not unappealing bowl of pudding.

It's important to be gentle with ourselves. Food should be more ecstasy than agony. If we could savor every bite...if we could delight in our food, and delight in ourselves...

For I do think obesity has itself locked up in some kind of sadness. When I was really fat, I don't think I understood that. And I definitely didn't understand much about nutrition and giving your body what it needs. There are a lot of foods that I rarely eat anymore, but the funny thing is, I don't miss them much. And if I do, I eat them. Yup, sometimes I still feel guilty about it, but I'm working on that...

Happy Day!
Namaste.